What Doesn’t Kill You Strengthens You

On a dark gloomy day a part of me was taken away. Who I was to the core was shaken because someone believed that what they wanted was far superior than my own choice. Didn’t you lead him on? You already had sex with him what is the big deal? I can hear all of the voices entering my mind all at once. They soon begin to alter my perspective on the situation. Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe I am to blame.

I felt like this person cared about me and respected me enough that when I had said “no” countless times that the answer was simply no. I had made up my mind before the night began and stood by my decision as it ended. I was drinking but I was still repeating the word over & over again. He said he understood my answer. He got upset that I kept having to remind him. But, he waited for the opportunity when “no” had stopped being uttered as frequently and took it as a “yes.” Pure shock entered my body. I don’t remember how long it took to get him off of me. All I know is that the memory faded as soon as it began. Although, I vaguely recall him say “I’m sorry.”

All I could think was sorry? SORRY? I can’t believe this, my heart was beating so fast I don’t even remember what happened next and then I woke up the next day. I got enough courage to look him in the face and tell him to leave. He tried to apologize again. He tried to reach out but he was also blaming me for the encounter. It was my fault? How could’ve I made myself more clear? He just wanted me he had said. He just wanted to be with me.

No. You never truly know how little sorry means until someone hurts you to the center of your being. When all you want to do is shout out “NO YOU ARE NOT!” People think sorry will fix things or make you feel better when clearly what they did was beyond wrong. That was the first time in my life when I didn’t want an apology. I wanted more. I wanted him in all honestly to rewind time and take it all back. I wanted to forget that it happened and be able to forget him and move on with my life. Life doesn’t just go on when you want it to and the past can’t be erased or redone.

After months of trying to process this I knew I had to forgive. Forgive? I mean come on God there has to be another way. How could I forgive someone who knew the kind of pain I was already going through and decided to add on to it? The bottom line is that forgiving him wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about his actions or words being my definition of okay. It was about me. It was about being free from living through it again and again. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight and it might take longer than expected. But, forgiving him fully without resentment was what ultimately relieved the pain and sorrow associated with him and that night.

This was a blessing in disguise. This was what made me fully commit to wait until marriage until I slept with someone else. It was the pain that unraveled inside me that has made me grow into the person for the right man. & most importantly it brought me closer to God’s plan for me.

I dodged a bullet. I learned a lesson. & it has made me stronger. It has made me wiser. Pain is never meant to be wasted. It is meant to be exposed and when doing so you will walk away with much more than anything you could’ve ever got.

Matthew 5:44

“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”

Forgiveness & Moving Forward

You know the feeling when someone really hurts you? I don’t mean your feelings are just a bit wounded. I am talking about someone who completely rips out your heart and then throws it out in the street just to drive on over it again (okay, dramatic I know). If you haven’t gone through this type of heartbreak, I’m happy for you. It is one of the most painful obstacles you will ever have to maneuver through.

I’ve been hurt quite few times in my life by other people. Yeah, those have been sometimes damaging circumstances to work through. But, honestly compared to real heartbreak being hurt is a walk in the park. True heartbreak is something that I don’t want to ever have to go through again. But, I am SO glad I did. In the times where I looked in the mirror and tears were streaming down my face did I finally start recognizing who I was. In the midst of all of the pain, I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted and he lacked what I truly need in a man. It took time for me to heal and get to a place where I can say that I am fully over that part of my past.

However, for some time there was something holding me back….I wasn’t wholeheartedly forgiving. I was holding on to past resentment and it was not only hindering my ability to completely move on, but it was crippling my growth as a person. & sometimes I honestly believed I had forgiven him, but then I would feel bitterness towards him for breaking my heart. The truth was I had NOT forgiven him.

Until I was able to (with a lot of prayer) forgive him, I didn’t feel like I was able to move on entirely. & let me tell you…forgiving someone is so freeing. Whether they said sorry or not you should strive to forgive someone so that you can be free you from feeling that pain anymore. Sure, over time something might remind you of that person and you will feel a bit of a sting. But, it won’t be constant anymore, it won’t be at the center of your thoughts and feelings when you’re alone. Forgiveness will offer you more peace, hope and a brighter future.

Ephesians 4:31-32

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

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