On a dark gloomy day a part of me was taken away. Who I was to the core was shaken because someone believed that what they wanted was far superior than my own choice. Didn’t you lead him on? You already had sex with him what is the big deal? I can hear all of the voices entering my mind all at once. They soon begin to alter my perspective on the situation. Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe I am to blame.
I felt like this person cared about me and respected me enough that when I had said “no” countless times that the answer was simply no. I had made up my mind before the night began and stood by my decision as it ended. I was drinking but I was still repeating the word over & over again. He said he understood my answer. He got upset that I kept having to remind him. But, he waited for the opportunity when “no” had stopped being uttered as frequently and took it as a “yes.” Pure shock entered my body. I don’t remember how long it took to get him off of me. All I know is that the memory faded as soon as it began. Although, I vaguely recall him say “I’m sorry.”
All I could think was sorry? SORRY? I can’t believe this, my heart was beating so fast I don’t even remember what happened next and then I woke up the next day. I got enough courage to look him in the face and tell him to leave. He tried to apologize again. He tried to reach out but he was also blaming me for the encounter. It was my fault? How could’ve I made myself more clear? He just wanted me he had said. He just wanted to be with me.
No. You never truly know how little sorry means until someone hurts you to the center of your being. When all you want to do is shout out “NO YOU ARE NOT!” People think sorry will fix things or make you feel better when clearly what they did was beyond wrong. That was the first time in my life when I didn’t want an apology. I wanted more. I wanted him in all honestly to rewind time and take it all back. I wanted to forget that it happened and be able to forget him and move on with my life. Life doesn’t just go on when you want it to and the past can’t be erased or redone.
After months of trying to process this I knew I had to forgive. Forgive? I mean come on God there has to be another way. How could I forgive someone who knew the kind of pain I was already going through and decided to add on to it? The bottom line is that forgiving him wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about his actions or words being my definition of okay. It was about me. It was about being free from living through it again and again. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight and it might take longer than expected. But, forgiving him fully without resentment was what ultimately relieved the pain and sorrow associated with him and that night.
This was a blessing in disguise. This was what made me fully commit to wait until marriage until I slept with someone else. It was the pain that unraveled inside me that has made me grow into the person for the right man. & most importantly it brought me closer to God’s plan for me.
I dodged a bullet. I learned a lesson. & it has made me stronger. It has made me wiser. Pain is never meant to be wasted. It is meant to be exposed and when doing so you will walk away with much more than anything you could’ve ever got.