On a dark gloomy day a part of me was taken away. Who I was to the core was shaken because someone believed that what they wanted was far superior than my own choice. Didn’t you lead him on? You already had sex with him what is the big deal? I can hear all of the voices entering my mind all at once. They soon begin to alter my perspective on the situation. Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe I am to blame.
I felt like this person cared about me and respected me enough that when I had said “no” countless times that the answer was simply no. I had made up my mind before the night began and stood by my decision as it ended. I was drinking but I was still repeating the word over & over again. He said he understood my answer. He got upset that I kept having to remind him. But, he waited for the opportunity when “no” had stopped being uttered as frequently and took it as a “yes.” Pure shock entered my body. I don’t remember how long it took to get him off of me. All I know is that the memory faded as soon as it began. Although, I vaguely recall him say “I’m sorry.”
All I could think was sorry? SORRY? I can’t believe this, my heart was beating so fast I don’t even remember what happened next and then I woke up the next day. I got enough courage to look him in the face and tell him to leave. He tried to apologize again. He tried to reach out but he was also blaming me for the encounter. It was my fault? How could’ve I made myself more clear? He just wanted me he had said. He just wanted to be with me.
No. You never truly know how little sorry means until someone hurts you to the center of your being. When all you want to do is shout out “NO YOU ARE NOT!” People think sorry will fix things or make you feel better when clearly what they did was beyond wrong. That was the first time in my life when I didn’t want an apology. I wanted more. I wanted him in all honestly to rewind time and take it all back. I wanted to forget that it happened and be able to forget him and move on with my life. Life doesn’t just go on when you want it to and the past can’t be erased or redone.
After months of trying to process this I knew I had to forgive. Forgive? I mean come on God there has to be another way. How could I forgive someone who knew the kind of pain I was already going through and decided to add on to it? The bottom line is that forgiving him wasn’t about him. It wasn’t about his actions or words being my definition of okay. It was about me. It was about being free from living through it again and again. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight and it might take longer than expected. But, forgiving him fully without resentment was what ultimately relieved the pain and sorrow associated with him and that night.
This was a blessing in disguise. This was what made me fully commit to wait until marriage until I slept with someone else. It was the pain that unraveled inside me that has made me grow into the person for the right man. & most importantly it brought me closer to God’s plan for me.
I dodged a bullet. I learned a lesson. & it has made me stronger. It has made me wiser. Pain is never meant to be wasted. It is meant to be exposed and when doing so you will walk away with much more than anything you could’ve ever got.
“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
You know the feeling when someone really hurts you? I don’t mean your feelings are just a bit wounded. I am talking about someone who completely rips out your heart and then throws it out in the street just to drive on over it again (okay, dramatic I know). If you haven’t gone through this type of heartbreak, I’m happy for you. It is one of the most painful obstacles you will ever have to maneuver through.
I’ve been hurt quite few times in my life by other people. Yeah, those have been sometimes damaging circumstances to work through. But, honestly compared to real heartbreak being hurt is a walk in the park. True heartbreak is something that I don’t want to ever have to go through again. But, I am SO glad I did. In the times where I looked in the mirror and tears were streaming down my face did I finally start recognizing who I was. In the midst of all of the pain, I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted and he lacked what I truly need in a man. It took time for me to heal and get to a place where I can say that I am fully over that part of my past.
However, for some time there was something holding me back….I wasn’t wholeheartedly forgiving. I was holding on to past resentment and it was not only hindering my ability to completely move on, but it was crippling my growth as a person. & sometimes I honestly believed I had forgiven him, but then I would feel bitterness towards him for breaking my heart. The truth was I had NOT forgiven him.
Until I was able to (with a lot of prayer) forgive him, I didn’t feel like I was able to move on entirely. & let me tell you…forgiving someone is so freeing. Whether they said sorry or not you should strive to forgive someone so that you can be free you from feeling that pain anymore. Sure, over time something might remind you of that person and you will feel a bit of a sting. But, it won’t be constant anymore, it won’t be at the center of your thoughts and feelings when you’re alone. Forgiveness will offer you more peace, hope and a brighter future.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
As Christmas came to a close, I looked around the dinner table to take it all in. My grandma sitting across from me, my brother diagonal from me, my step-dad at the other end of the table, my sister sitting to my right and my mom to my left. I no longer see them as a single member of my family, but as a mirror image of myself. My grandma who is courageous and loving to each one of us. My brother who is compassionate and has a kind-heart that shows empathy and understanding. My step-dad who is humorous and hard-working and is a positive influence for my siblings. My sister who is fearless and moves graciously and beautifully through each day without grasping truly how amazing she is. Lastly, my mother who has demonstrated self-discipline and strength during both of our challenging trials and has moved through them with a strong heart and mind. I realized while examining each of them not only how vital family is to have, but how crucial it can be in order to really understand ourselves.
It takes years for some people to truly appreciate their family members. When my dad passed away, I started to treasure time with my loved ones more than ever. Some people grow up with minimal or no family. Some people are blessed with a big supportive family. The family you have may not be blood. They may be people you have accumulated over your lifetime make up a new family you never had. Whatever your family may look like, it is critical to be appreciative of that family.
Going to the gym has been a part of my life for a while now. In high school, I started going to the gym. But, I wasn’t really going for the right reasons. I spent most of my time doing cardio. & I thought that my goal was to be skinny. I did lose weight but I wasn’t gaining anything physically or mentally.
In college, I started to lift weights more but not heavier. Even though I was eating more I wasn’t eating the right food to build muscle plus I was doing excess cardio. The summer of 2017 I started to eat less and less and went from my normal 115 pounds to around 110. & then when my dad passed away that I stopped going to the gym altogether.
In the new year of 2018 something clicked for me. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was. Maybe it was because of all the emotional pain I was going through that made me want to start training harder than ever before. I didn’t have someone to teach me how to lift or how to count my macro-nutrients. I had to learn from trial and error. I still change up my workout routine but I have gained so much more than muscle over this past year, I’ve gained a new perspective of myself and who I want to be.
The gym is a mental escape for me. It has given me the ability to become healthier both physically and mentally. The gym isn’t for everyone. I use to dread going to the gym. & there are still times when I do. There are times when that is the last thing I want to do when I’ve had a long day or I’m exhausted from not enough sleep. However, I know that once I finish my workout that it will not only make me one step closer to my goals but it will lift my mood in a way nothing else can.
Lifting weights has given me confidence and the ability to love myself again. I was broken and I tried to rely on other people to help piece me back together. But, I was the one that had to do that. Not to say that God wasn’t a big reason on how I got to a better mental state. But, there were times when I was so angry with God for all of the pain I was going through. & going to the gym was sometimes the ONLY thing that would get me out of bed. & it is something that has given me the happiness and strength.
I’m growing. I’m changing. & most importantly I’m becoming someone better than I use to be. I could’ve resulted to drinking more or smoking weed like I use to. I could’ve tried some other unhealthy type of distraction from the pain. However, I chose to channel the pain into something great, something I wouldn’t regret. & because of that I am becoming someone stronger and more courageous than I have ever been.
A snapshot of my life
I never had the perfect life but my life was never difficult either. I grew up in a good family. Even though my parents were divorced I was still able to spend an equal amount of time with both of them. I had a great childhood and I spent the first nine years in California and then my family decided to move to Washington. At the time I was devastated but the move gave me the best memories, friends and experiences that I will hold onto for a lifetime. I graduated high school in 2015 and decided to go off to college. I already had my AA degree and decided to aim to finish up my prerequisites for nursing school. This seemed like exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Everything seemed like it was falling into place.
In August of 2017 is when my life started to change. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. This allowed me to see myself in a different light. The career I once wanted didn’t seem like my own anymore. I felt like I was chasing a dream that was distant from what I had imagined for myself. So, I decided to not go to nursing school and go back and finish up my bachelor’s degree. This was not an easy decision but the doubt I was feeling was consuming who I was and who I am meant to be. In November, my life took a turn for the worse when my dad passed away suddenly. This was by far the experience that changed me the most. To this day, I am not fully healed. I don’t imagine myself healing completely now if ever. It’s more of a lifestyle change to become accustomed to. & there are some days I still feel like I’m not okay. But, I’ve learned so much about myself and developed such a closer relationship to God because of it. During this time I also got involved with another guy who left me even more broken than I was before.
Why am I telling you this…
I want to share a small part of who I am and some of the events I have been through that have shaped me into who I am today. I am lucky, it could’ve been worse. But, it could’ve been a whole lot better too. & this is my story.
I am still learning, growing and continuing on my life journey to become my authentic self. I don’t know if anyone will even read my blog. & it is not my intention to have an immaculate blog. I aspire to give people hope for a better future despite their circumstances. & let me tell you that no matter what there will always be hope.
“You aren’t what’s happened to you, you are how you’ve overcome it.” -Beau Taplin